Fart Challenge: Open Door Anonymous

Farts are funny. Hilarious! At least to me they are. Sometimes I think it's the sound. Other times, the smell. But most often it's other peoples' reactions when 1) the sound is heard and 2) when the smell is intoxicatingly breathed in. C'mon, you know this type of thing makes you laugh.

So today I want to reminisce about a great gas-passing experience that happened recently. And then I would like to offer up the challenge to you, Flatulent Reader, to re-create this event in your own home town (office, school, church, NASCAR event, whatever).

If you've been reading my other posts, you're already well aware that most of my inspiration happens while hanging out in public restrooms (something sounds so wrong about that). Well, at a particular client's office, the restrooms are located off a frequently-used hallway. There's an administrative office directly across the hall, and this serves as a gathering place for some of the female employees. Often, while standing at the urinal, I can hear their conversations drift in whenever someone enters or leaves the restroom. The door, being on a slow-close mechanism, allows for maybe 5-7 seconds of pure unadulterated sound passage.

Well: If I could hear them, surely they could hear me. Which gave me an idea, which caused me to start chuckling, which caused my pee-stream to pulse rhythmically into the urinal.

The idea was to let out one of my super-loud trumpet farts during the busiest time possible (around 12:30, just after lunch), when the bathroom was packed and the ladies were in their large lunchtime group outside the admin office. I set out specific goals for myself:

1. Provide enough volume to cause conversation to cease
2. Perform the act in a crowded environment to maintain anonymity
3. Bonus points: I get to hear their disgusted reaction

If you're an expert-level flatulator like myself, you can imagine the planning and precision required to pull off this operation with all three goals providing a satisfactory grade. And you'd be right. Several days passed, as I sought out the perfect moment (as well as having appropriate gas pressure at the right time). I had a few failed attempts, and a few surefire blasts that fell on deaf ears. I think that the urinal was too far from the door to create a loud-enough boom.

Finally, I struck paydirt and scored on all three goals. The moment was perfect. As I approached the mens' room, I saw maybe 5 ladies standing about, deeply focused on some shallow subject. As I entered the bathroom, I took note of two urinators and one stall-dweller. Rather than heading to the urinal, I went to the sink, which is only a few feet from the door.

I started the water running, and commenced an extended handwashing session. My post-lunch gas was gurgling, and I knew the moment was there. I puckered and waited until finally the door opened as someone entered the bathroom. I couldn't hold it any longer, and let fly with an odd-sounding POP followed by a semi-squeak aftershock. And...

1. The conversation outside the door went dead-silent, but only for maybe a second or two. Goal #1 - SUCCESS
2. There were still a few inhabitants in the bathroom, and I spent time afterward at the urinal. Goal #2 - SUCCESS
3. Right after the silence, one of the ladies did the expected "Good Lord!" It was the second lady's reaction that was more interesting: "Must be my HUSBAND in there!" And then laughter ensued. Goal #3 - PARTIAL SUCCESS (they weren't all grossed out - only the first lady).

I walked out a few minutes later, with them having no idea which of us male pigs created the mystical ass-blast.

So there's my open-door anonymous blast story. Now it's your turn: See if you can re-create (or better yet, out-do!) this fun little fart challenge!