Why Girls Don't Fart

Thanks to @farts_are_funny, I found this little gem. I only watched it 10 or 15 times, but after every viewing, I mumbled to myself: Could this really be true???

Flatulent Comments Fall Flat

Several people have contacted me, wondering why their comments are not showing up. While I do moderate the comments, I have not been seeing any come in lately.

Trying to diagnose this, I changed the comment entry form to be a pop-up instead of an embedded form. This seems to be working better.

If you've tried to leave a comment recently and it's not showing up, and you have the gumption to re-post for all of us Constant Flatulators to enjoy, I'd be super-appreciative! And, just to be sure things are ok, feel free to reply to me via twitter @constflatulence to let me know there's a comment sitting in SBD state, waiting to be detected by my olfactory receptors...

A measurable quantity

First, a disclaimer: This story is a slight deviation from my merry tales of gas-passing. Maybe it's a bit off-topic for this blog, but I find humor in it, so I'm writing about it. And no, I didn't poop in a box. This is a nice, wholesome, innocent tale.

Now on to my story. If you're in tune with your bodily functions, as I am, you can probably recognize when you're going to have an all-out colon-cleansing experience. For me, the most alarming sequence occurs in the morning, and it goes something like this:

• Wake up, stumble downstairs, grind fresh beans, brew a strong batch of French Press


• Down 2 cups of coffee while eating a bowl of Kashi (10g fiber / serving) and a fistful of blueberries


• Sit down at the computer and start working, waiting for the moment to hit.


• Clench butt cheeks at the onset of anal eruption, and waddle down the hall hoping not to sneeze.


• Drop onto the Ring of Salvation, and let gravity take over.

I think the important point is that, when I feel that explosion brewing, I usually don't have an early-warning system. It hits instantly, and I'm on the run.

Unlike mid-day poops, my morning one is like an avalanche. It's fast, it's furious, it's mass-quantity. About a month ago, after a rather violent episode, I looked down at what I was flushing away (don't be disgusted - you know you look too!), and thought "WHOA - How did that all come out of ME? That must weigh a TON!"

And that, Constant Flatulators, is when I decided to weigh my poop. Now don't get all ewwwwww on me here. Like I said up front: I didn't poop in a box. That would make me say ewwwwwww. I came up with a much more elegant solution: I would weigh myself on the scale before and after my morning dump run.

I went through this ritual several times over the past few weeks. Mostly, I was disappointed, barely registering a tick on the big dial of the Health-O-Meter. But this morning, I hit paydirt. Maybe it was too much coffee. Or possibly my over-consumption of bananas yesterday followed by a hearty dinner at Noodles and Company. But this morning, I dropped nearly two pounds in 5 minutes! Disturbing, true, but curiously fascinating at the same time...

I don't think I'll be weighing my BM's any more, as I'm pretty sure I've discovered my potential, and certainly satisfied my own curiosity. But now I wonder - has anyone else ever done this? And if not, how about trying it out and letting me know your results? I'm thinking SOMEONE out there can beat two pounds!

Guy farts are worse than girl farts

The poll results are in, showing the guys just edging out the girls for "worst farts." I realize this is not scientific proof, but I think I concur (although there are always exceptions to the rule).

As a thank-you to those who voted, here's a little video I found. This girl obviously thinks she can out-gas the boys...

HOT GIRL FARTS 20 TIMES - Watch more Funny Videos

Fart Poll: Whose Farts are the Worst???

So I thought I'd try out Blogger's polling widget, and see how that worked out - my first poll is a simple boys vs. girls. I know what you're thinking: Guys rule the fart world. However, before you jump to a speedy conclusion, consider this:

• Girl farts sometimes mix with the fumes from Yeast Canyon
• Girl farts are often held in longer, accumulating stronger toxicity
• Girl farts are more rare in public, so you might not even recognize one until you're knocked to the ground.

So go ahead and vote. The next poll will be much more entertaining!

Fart Challenge: Open Door Anonymous

Farts are funny. Hilarious! At least to me they are. Sometimes I think it's the sound. Other times, the smell. But most often it's other peoples' reactions when 1) the sound is heard and 2) when the smell is intoxicatingly breathed in. C'mon, you know this type of thing makes you laugh.

So today I want to reminisce about a great gas-passing experience that happened recently. And then I would like to offer up the challenge to you, Flatulent Reader, to re-create this event in your own home town (office, school, church, NASCAR event, whatever).

If you've been reading my other posts, you're already well aware that most of my inspiration happens while hanging out in public restrooms (something sounds so wrong about that). Well, at a particular client's office, the restrooms are located off a frequently-used hallway. There's an administrative office directly across the hall, and this serves as a gathering place for some of the female employees. Often, while standing at the urinal, I can hear their conversations drift in whenever someone enters or leaves the restroom. The door, being on a slow-close mechanism, allows for maybe 5-7 seconds of pure unadulterated sound passage.

Well: If I could hear them, surely they could hear me. Which gave me an idea, which caused me to start chuckling, which caused my pee-stream to pulse rhythmically into the urinal.

The idea was to let out one of my super-loud trumpet farts during the busiest time possible (around 12:30, just after lunch), when the bathroom was packed and the ladies were in their large lunchtime group outside the admin office. I set out specific goals for myself:

1. Provide enough volume to cause conversation to cease
2. Perform the act in a crowded environment to maintain anonymity
3. Bonus points: I get to hear their disgusted reaction

If you're an expert-level flatulator like myself, you can imagine the planning and precision required to pull off this operation with all three goals providing a satisfactory grade. And you'd be right. Several days passed, as I sought out the perfect moment (as well as having appropriate gas pressure at the right time). I had a few failed attempts, and a few surefire blasts that fell on deaf ears. I think that the urinal was too far from the door to create a loud-enough boom.

Finally, I struck paydirt and scored on all three goals. The moment was perfect. As I approached the mens' room, I saw maybe 5 ladies standing about, deeply focused on some shallow subject. As I entered the bathroom, I took note of two urinators and one stall-dweller. Rather than heading to the urinal, I went to the sink, which is only a few feet from the door.

I started the water running, and commenced an extended handwashing session. My post-lunch gas was gurgling, and I knew the moment was there. I puckered and waited until finally the door opened as someone entered the bathroom. I couldn't hold it any longer, and let fly with an odd-sounding POP followed by a semi-squeak aftershock. And...

1. The conversation outside the door went dead-silent, but only for maybe a second or two. Goal #1 - SUCCESS
2. There were still a few inhabitants in the bathroom, and I spent time afterward at the urinal. Goal #2 - SUCCESS
3. Right after the silence, one of the ladies did the expected "Good Lord!" It was the second lady's reaction that was more interesting: "Must be my HUSBAND in there!" And then laughter ensued. Goal #3 - PARTIAL SUCCESS (they weren't all grossed out - only the first lady).

I walked out a few minutes later, with them having no idea which of us male pigs created the mystical ass-blast.

So there's my open-door anonymous blast story. Now it's your turn: See if you can re-create (or better yet, out-do!) this fun little fart challenge!