First, a disclaimer: This story is a slight deviation from my merry tales of gas-passing. Maybe it's a bit off-topic for this blog, but I find humor in it, so I'm writing about it. And no, I didn't poop in a box. This is a nice, wholesome, innocent tale.
Now on to my story. If you're in tune with your bodily functions, as I am, you can probably recognize when you're going to have an all-out colon-cleansing experience. For me, the most alarming sequence occurs in the morning, and it goes something like this:
- Wake up, stumble downstairs, grind fresh beans, brew a strong batch of French Press
- Down 2 cups of coffee while eating a bowl of Kashi (10g fiber / serving) and a fistful of blueberries
- Sit down at the computer and start working, waiting for the moment to hit.
- Clench butt cheeks at the onset of anal eruption, and waddle down the hall hoping not to sneeze.
- Drop onto the Ring of Salvation, and let gravity take over.
I think the important point is that, when I feel that explosion brewing, I usually don't have an early-warning system. It hits instantly, and I'm on the run.
Unlike mid-day poops, my morning one is like an avalanche. It's fast, it's furious, it's mass-quantity. About a month ago, after a rather violent episode, I looked down at what I was flushing away (don't be disgusted - you know you look too!), and thought "WHOA - How did that all come out of ME? That must weigh a TON!"
And that, Constant Flatulators, is when I decided to weigh my poop. Now don't get all ewwwwww on me here. Like I said up front: I didn't poop in a box. That would make me say ewwwwwww. I came up with a much more elegant solution: I would weigh myself on the scale before and after my morning dump run.
I went through this ritual several times over the past few weeks. Mostly, I was disappointed, barely registering a tick on the big dial of the Health-O-Meter. But this morning, I hit paydirt. Maybe it was too much coffee. Or possibly my over-consumption of bananas yesterday followed by a hearty dinner at Noodles and Company. But this morning, I dropped nearly two pounds in 5 minutes! Disturbing, true, but curiously fascinating at the same time...
I don't think I'll be weighing my BM's any more, as I'm pretty sure I've discovered my potential, and certainly satisfied my own curiosity. But now I wonder - has anyone else ever done this? And if not, how about trying it out and letting me know your results? I'm thinking SOMEONE out there can beat two pounds!
3 comments:
I too have tried the bathroom scale method, but find it grossly inaccurate. The best I’ve managed is 0.6 pounds, but I’ve had times when a double flusher (or triple) has only logged in (not pun intended) at 0.2 lbs., and having eaten at BK and Mickey D’s, I know that it’s a whole lot bigger than one of their quarter pounders. I therefore suggest a more accurate method based upon Archimedes’ Principal.
1. Before dropping the load, mark the water level of the bowl (this is probably not necessary for any guys living alone or with other guys, as there will already be a nice brown ring there.)
2. Bombs away.
3. Use a laundry marker to carefully mark the new water level. Flush the nasty stuff away.
4. Take a measuring cup and add water to the second mark, noting the volume you have added (this will involve subtractionn).
5. Use the following formula to convert volume to weight: “A pint’s a pound the world around”. Unless of course you live in England, in which case the formula is “A pint of water weighs a pound and a quarter” (they have a different pint, same pound – go figure). And of course anywhere else with metrics, just convert cc’s (or milliliters) to grams one to one - much simpler.
6. In addition, you may want to add a factor for density. Since most of the organic material and bacteria that make up your brown bomber are mostly water, you can assume the density won’t be that much higher. Since the poop does sink, I suggest you use a maximum factor of 1.10. I would also suggest extrapolating from this value to 1.00 using the Bristol Stool Scale (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bristol_Stool_Scale). We will deal with floaters below.
7. Floaters: Don’t worry about floaters. Archimedes clearly showed that they will displace their own weight in water, so the method will still work.
8. If your poop pile actually “breaks water” you have a problem. I’m would solicit input from the community on this.
9. One final caveat – there are sometimes mysterious hydrodynamic forces that change the water level in toilets (think how the level goes way down after they overflow when they are clogged) – but heck, I’m no hydrological engineer, so I can’t address that issue. But if that is the case, just shit in a bucket using the same method.
Your blog keeps getting better and better! Your older articles are not as good as newer ones you have a lot more creativity and originality now keep it up!
Do you have copy writer for so good articles? If so please give me contacts, because this really rocks! :)
Post a Comment