My obsession with bodily functions, especially those that disturb other people, has led me to write, and rid my mind of these oddball thoughts. Or maybe just share them with like-kind individuals such as yourself. Sicko!
Thinking back to my adolescent days, I'm sure there was at least one time (or maybe 100?) where I coated my underwear in baby-batter. Back then, the hormones were raging, and all it took was one little flirtatious look and BLAM - time to clean up a mess.
Alas, that doesn't happen anymore. Well, ok, maybe at a strip club with a full-contact lapdance. Or at Hooters when the waitress bends over to take my drink order. Or at the gas station, when the single-tooth lady with the hairy mole on her chin reaches out to hand me my change...
I hadn't really thought about those pants-popping moments too much, until a friend told me about a video created in my honor. Ok, maybe that's a stretch: I doubt the producers of this vid even know of my existence. Nevertheless, nothing makes me prouder than to be thought of when viewing a music video titled "Jizz in My Pants."
Few things make me laugh: filthy humor, porn bloopers, and tech fanboys working themselves into masturbatory frenzies over whose technology kicks ass, and how the other guy's brand simply sucks sweaty ball-sacks. For the ladies, sorry but you're well-too-behaved in this arena; boys duke it out like it's just as important as cock size, while the ladies sit on the sideline secretly videoing the confrontation for a midnight Youtube and Facebook embarrassment.
If there's one fanboy cum-fest that's gone beyond any other in the past 2 years, it's been the iPhone and its demigod-like status. No matter how much empirical evidence shows up regarding poor network quality and Draconian app store policy, not to mention non-removal battery, less-than-stellar memory capacity, and the latest you’re-holding-it-the-wrong-way antenna woes, the iPhone fantards suckle at the teat of Apple, practically unable to speak without their eyes fluttering as they blast baby batter into their boxers.
At least someone out there has some sense to provide a pragmatic view. Brian Maupin is a Best Buy employee who's might just get shit-canned because of an iPhone- and fan-bashing video featuring the EVO, a phone that kicks iButt, with service that rivals AT&T at a lower price point. Brian’s animated video is beautiful, featuring a brainwashed iTard begging for an iPhone, ignoring all the amazing features missing from iPhone, where EVO simply destroys it in features and price.
Why is Brian going to get fired? Apparently, Best Buy is worried about him disparaging a brand they stand behind. Yes, he puckered up his little brown eyeball and pumped a corn log right down the iPhone's gullet. But... where in the video is any mention of Best Buy? This is simply a satirical, highly opinionated video by a guy who doesn’t drink the Kool-Aid.
Feel free to give Brian a shout-out on twitter (@beemop) – I know I will!
Here it is, for your enjoyment: Brian’s iPhone vs EVO. Thank you, Brian, for a great bit of entertainment that actually made me laugh.
I only wish I could take credit for this brilliant video. How Scott Baio got involved, I can't fathom, but this is much more decent than Dustin Diamond (Screech from Saved By the Bell) making a porn and finishing up with a Dirty Sanchez...
Many moons ago, Howard Stern hosted a bogus game show while at WNBC, modeled after Match Game. The first match: "blank... willow." Robin, playing Brett Somers, answered: "The only thing on my mind, Gene: PUSSY!"
The next match: "Blank... a doodle doo." Jackie answered: "I have cock, and I wrote it big. I have big cock." Jackie was told that having "big cock" coming out of his mouth sounded dirty and couldn't be said on the radio. Jackie's retort, loud and clear over the airwaves: "So I can't say big cock, but you can say big cock coming out of my mouth?"
Flash-forward to this evening. A local wing place, Buffalo Wings and Beer, has some creative names for its wings, starting with Hen and working up to Cock, Super Cock, and Insane Cock. As I sat down to eat my hot plate of Super Cock, that ridiculous Stern skit popped into my head. I quipped to my wife: "Look - I'm putting Super Cock in my mouth!" That pretty much ruined any possibility of romance this evening.
But just in case there was still a glimmer of hope, I turned to her just a few minutes ago, ripped out a burner that brought tears to her eyes, and said "See? Now I have Super Cock coming out of my ass!"
