First, a disclaimer: This story is a slight deviation from my merry tales of gas-passing. Maybe it's a bit off-topic for this blog, but I find humor in it, so I'm writing about it. And no, I didn't poop in a box. This is a nice, wholesome, innocent tale.
Now on to my story. If you're in tune with your bodily functions, as I am, you can probably recognize when you're going to have an all-out colon-cleansing experience. For me, the most alarming sequence occurs in the morning, and it goes something like this:
- Wake up, stumble downstairs, grind fresh beans, brew a strong batch of French Press
- Down 2 cups of coffee while eating a bowl of Kashi (10g fiber / serving) and a fistful of blueberries
- Sit down at the computer and start working, waiting for the moment to hit.
- Clench butt cheeks at the onset of anal eruption, and waddle down the hall hoping not to sneeze.
- Drop onto the Ring of Salvation, and let gravity take over.
I think the important point is that, when I feel that explosion brewing, I usually don't have an early-warning system. It hits instantly, and I'm on the run.
Unlike mid-day poops, my morning one is like an avalanche. It's fast, it's furious, it's mass-quantity. About a month ago, after a rather violent episode, I looked down at what I was flushing away (don't be disgusted - you know you look too!), and thought "WHOA - How did that all come out of ME? That must weigh a TON!"
And that, Constant Flatulators, is when I decided to weigh my poop. Now don't get all ewwwwww on me here. Like I said up front: I didn't poop in a box. That would make me say ewwwwwww. I came up with a much more elegant solution: I would weigh myself on the scale before and after my morning dump run.
I went through this ritual several times over the past few weeks. Mostly, I was disappointed, barely registering a tick on the big dial of the Health-O-Meter. But this morning, I hit paydirt. Maybe it was too much coffee. Or possibly my over-consumption of bananas yesterday followed by a hearty dinner at Noodles and Company. But this morning, I dropped nearly two pounds in 5 minutes! Disturbing, true, but curiously fascinating at the same time...
I don't think I'll be weighing my BM's any more, as I'm pretty sure I've discovered my potential, and certainly satisfied my own curiosity. But now I wonder - has anyone else ever done this? And if not, how about trying it out and letting me know your results? I'm thinking SOMEONE out there can beat two pounds!
